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random jokes - The art of Thornwolf — LiveJournal
thornwolf
thornwolf
random jokes
mom sent me these...

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A Sunday School teacher asked the class, "If I sold my house and
my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
would I get into Heaven?" "NO"! the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat
and tidy,
would I get into Heaven"? Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," the teacher asked, "then how can I get to Heaven?"
In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead"!
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come

over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put
all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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General Motors on Technology

At a computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to
the gallon".

In response to Bill Gate's comments, GM allegedly replied:

"If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:-

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned

the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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(the ones for NY and CA are DEFINITELY true for Tavis and I )

You live in California when...



1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. *totally, i live in appartment!*

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke. *i say theyre good with mayo, Tav disagrees with me...*

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is *true story! this ALWAYS happens when im talking to someone from out of town, especially Tavis. "how many miles honey?" if you mean minutes then it takes 20*



You live in New York City when...



1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. *confused me a bit!*

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature," *hey, they got a balto statue, a dog is part of nature, right?*

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You live in upstate New York when... *i think this applies more to Canada, or "America Junior" as i like to call it*



1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and

construction.



You live in the Deep South when...



1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,

etc.



You live in Colorado when...



1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You live in the Midwest when...



1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

6. You visit San Diego and forget to put sun screen on your feet before spending a day at the beach! *SOOOOO Tavis...lol! Hes never gonna live that one down, but then again, who thinks of putting it on your feet?*



You live in Florida when...



1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. *sounds like my grandma*

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. (I noticed that this is true for downtown Boston as well)

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people (at 40 mph in the fast lane with the left turn signal on--lr)

Current Mood: amused amused

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Comments
silver_huskey From: silver_huskey Date: July 30th, 2002 07:00 am (UTC) (Link)
LOL Thorn!!! That made my morning, I feel all amused and bouncy now! ^__^

Say you don't happen to have anything for Philadelphia do you? Couldn't hurt to ask... ^_^

*Manages to hit Post Comment, through her laughing fit*
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