An Ethel Among Mermans (thornwolf) wrote,
An Ethel Among Mermans

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Thorn's Inferno

Heres the pic:'s the "canto" that goes along with it.. and rhymes..not bad for something i put together in a day when i had 2 weeks to do it, eh?

“I’m Getting Sued For This…”
-By Nicole Dornsife

The hell I envision is horrible and full pain and irony
The most horrific of punishments imaginable
But you’d have to see it for yourself or you wouldn’t believe me

Upon entering this stinking hell hole
Of tortured souls and screaming demons
I came upon a ghastly figure, which chilled my very soul

And the guardian at the gates of this city of the damned
Was none other than Jack Nicholson
Hollywood’s jerkiest man.

“Welcome to Hell sweetheart.” He said with a twisted grin
Looking like his character from “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest”
And looking uncharacteristically clean shaven and slim

Upon what sinners did I first catch a glimpse
But none other than the Opportunists
And their fate made me wince

As they remained undecided when they weren’t dead
So they would have to choose their own fate
In hell and suffer what the living dread

For entrapped in an eternal game of “Who wants to be a millionaire”
Regis Philbin quizzes the sinners
On which pain they must bare

Next on our path of the seven most deadly sins
Are the gluttons who in life gorged themselves
On food, drink till they were bloated and no longer thin

Their punishment however gross and vile
Is to watch bimbos barf up their meals
And feel nauseated all the while

They are forever disgusted at the waste of others
And their stomachs that cursed them will churn
And their eyes they’ll want to cover

I must admit, these dumb chicks were nasty wretches
But I wasn’t prepared for what I saw next
For next to these gagging blondes my eye catches

A glimpse of Richard Simmons sweatin’ to the oldies and singing
He must be the ruler of this particular section of hell
His horrendous flamboyant voice in my eras caused a ringing

He struggled with those whose sin was Sloth or in other words lazy
Trying to get them in shape and coaxing them on
But instead they just sat..And this might sound a bit crazy

Forever forced to eat snack foods and big gulps that were filled
Of hot mountain dew that was mostly syrup
Watching the superbowl with no commercials…and this was unwilled

Stapled to a couch of the damned that was made of flayed human skin
A “Necronomicouch” if you will
And the worst part of all, their team would NEVER win.

Those who were lustful when they were breathing had it no easier
For they spent a lifetime fulfilling momentary pleasures
And their eternal damnation for this was fitting of no one sleazier

For they sat in a theatre forced to watch “Crossroads”, that flick with no plot
But instead of Britney Spears strutting her stuff to drown out the bad acting
Would be Rosanne Bar in a mini skirt…I think I’d rather be shot

The wrathful who fought and tormented without relenting
Did not think that they would end up in this pit of despair
But argued and bickered when they should have been repenting

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, it’s true
And now in hell jealous girlfriends remain in an eternal catfight
Beating and pulling and clawing each other until they’re black and blue

Pride comes before a fall, and none could be lower
Than selling corndogs in those fabulous multicolored hot pants
While shaved and plucked bald selling these snacks as they cower

From the wrath of Michael Jackson, the vainest of the vain
While Mr. Bubbles watches as he whips the poor souls
Getting joy from their everlasting humiliation and pain

The greedy, in life, could never have enough
Now in hell they have so little
And can never afford “stuff”

Slowly clipping coupons forever is their unchanging doom
Being taunted as they snip away in their trailer trash home
They’ll never be able to “keep up with the Jones’” now, hrm..20% off 3 cans of cream of mushroom

So this is my hell, I hope it wasn’t too horrid of a show
But of course if it didn’t seem as bad as it sounds
Then you must have read it wrong, because I sure think so

PS: full credit goes to Katarina for the wolverines bit =) shes evil too..i swear it.
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