November 6th, 2002

Shabu Dog

birthday goodness

Today was mom's and Grandpa's birthday. i got to leave school early and go to the cemetary with grandma and dad. its the most beautiful cemetary you will ever see. its called Fort Rosecrans and its in Point Loma and overlooks the ocean. quite fitting for my grandpa, who was in the navy. he was cremated and his ashes were put in this special wall they have there with a plaque that says his name and rank and all that. although..its quite unnerving seeing your own last name on a plaque in a cemetary. *shudders*
grandma started to lose it a bit as we said our happy birthdays. i just hugged her. i miss him very much. kinda makes me wonder about death. what hes doing, how he is..and where he is, if anywhere at all. id like to think hes in heaven. ive been having dreams about him. i think it would be cruel of God to give me dreams about him and have him not be in a safe place. i feel good about the whole thing though.
as for mom, mike and i went with her to Peohe's, an expensive hawaiian themed seafood restaurant that overlooks the city on the water *also where Tav and i had our first date which happened to be the most expensive date in the history of mankind, also the longest and most horrible....will talk about it another time*
they added a new sushi section to their menu....hold me back fellas! of course i got their award winning lobster bisque...in which they changed the main ingredients so its no longer the same bisque =P bastards.... and got some unagi.
i gorged myself *drool*

mom loved the fondue pot i gave her and absolutely loved the DVD. as for the velvet pajamas mike gave her she said "oh! there far too nice to wear!! *puts back in box* around thehouse i mean..." they may not be her style. ill have em though =)

dad tried to talk with me seriously about my future today. ive been thinking about that a lot lately, i need to figure out what direction im going in before its too late. my MAIN concern is where im gonna live. mom doesnt want me. dad informed me that mike thinks im a spoiled brat. he needs to learn to hold his tongue in this household if he doesnt want things getting back to me >=/ as for me i dont care if he knows i think hes dumb as a brick. nice..but dumb.
i may be spoiled, but im no brat. his only proof is that mom and i fight all the time. thats not being a brat..thats just feeling crowded. if rats eat each other in close quarters what does he expect humans to do?

so yeah...mom doesnt want me..i sure as hell dont wanna live with mom. i cant afford to live on my own, i dont want dad rearranging his life so he can live down here so i can live with him...plus that would mean him, june and the 2 girls and i cant handle that in the slightest. so what do you do? what DO you do?
ive tried nothin' and im all outta ideas.

perhaps i can get arrested and live in a prison. free food at least. not good but..filling. no no...i like to be alone..cant deal with people. AHA! solitary confinement. yep =D
now thats just wishful thinking.

as for art, im on a downward spiral into depression. i can feel it coming. too much on my mind to think about art at the moment. the irony of that is...the things on my mind that are stressing me out are planning for my future...as an ARTIST. whatcha gonna do eh?

ah well. hopefully ill be able to unwind soon.
better get crackin on that illustrator program. i have a "report?" due sunday with my dad. he wants to check my progress in hopes that i "deserve" that "free" trip to new york. dont you love quotation marks?
yeah..my life is confusing. i know.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive
Shabu Dog

worried..yet again

some of you may wonder why im /always/ worrying about Tav?
well...lemme just say this:

why dont YOU try having a long distance relationship where the only way you can communicate is by cell phone or online. if theyre hurt, if theyre dead, if theyre in trouble...theres no way of you knowing. especially if youre not close with their family they wont think to tell you "oh somethings wrong."

especially cuz tav is so accident prone and somethings ALWAYS happening.

just last night some random kids were hassling him and his co workers and were threatening them and stuff. they had to be arrested. turns out the one guy that was arrested has been arrested before for stuff like assault, having weapons etc. the police were just gonna hold him overnight, meaning he could come back and do something drastic if he was pissed off enough the next day, and theres no security guard on duty >=/

right now i cant get ahold of him and i cant sleep knowing hes not home. if i cant get ahold of him....somethings up. he ALWAYS answers his phone.

i dont like not being in control of the situation. i hate feeling powerless, but it happens so often youd think id get used to it by now.

he gets into accidents, has been in 2 or three in the past couple of months
he hurts himself, quite often i might add
theres a potential of him getting shot at by some psycho copycat sniper
the crazy storms they get there are very hazardous...rain alone scares me on the east coast. it never gets that heavy here


so yeah..stuff like that make me nervous. all i can do is sit here and hope and pray to God that he is safe..

put yourself in my situation for just one second and then youll realize my paranoia

im gonna go /not/ sleep now =(
  • Current Mood
    worried worried