May 6th, 2003

Shabu Dog

afternoon musings

you ever have anxiety attacks..if thats what you could call em, where you just feel anxious all day long?

i get them on occasion, during periods of high stress/emotion and occasionally because of caffienated or diet sodas or lack of eating. with prom coming up its no wonder, not to mention i didnt have breakfast, as per usual.

my chest has felt tight and ive had quite the shortness in breath and its been hard for me to get air all day, which is probably why i slept through most of my classes. luckily i didnt have much to do and i have a field trip tomorrow. i got my grades and theyre not suffering nearly as bad as my parents thought. pff. what do they know. they havent checked up on my grades since elementary school and dont know my method of "if i start to stumble ill catch myself. i dont need help". ive never gotten an F and dont plan to. sometimes getting too involved with me and controlling aspects of my life is the best way to push me away. they havent learned this yet and i doubt they ever will until i move out and they CANT crontroll me, but im sure its true with lots of people.

Ive been reading a book called The Alchemist. its one of those "necessary books" for english class but ive found it quite intriguing. never have i gotten such meaning from a book since i read The Little Prince in 6th grade. i think im finding that, though i dont like to admit it, i actually like to read. hrm..go figure. i guess its my absence of TV and my boredom with the internet that have also helped me get to this point. maybe my brain is trying to tell me something.

ive almost finished it and ive only had it since yesterday..i just cant put it down. its really making me want to have more adventure in my life, and to just trust God and be assured that all things work out for the best in the end. at this point, its really hard for me to truly believe that, but ive also come to find that ive been living my life with my blinders on. i think its time to take them off and see the world for what it is, outside of my own little bubble. I have a feeling that im going to be experiencing a lot in the next few months, and i plan on meeting each challenge head on, with the faith that i will somehow reach my goal. sure i want to go to art school..but my goal is more than that. i just want to be happy. isnt that what really matters anyway?

i think its time to cast my cares away and put trust in myself, in God, in fate. ive gotten out of some pretty bad binds and have been very fortunate...and there are people that have things far worse than me. i need to appreciate what i DO have. and thats a lot...and im grateful for it.

*takes a breath*
well. i feel somewhat liberated. time to clean my room and prepare for Tavis' visit.
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