An Ethel Among Mermans (thornwolf) wrote,
An Ethel Among Mermans

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diarrhea of the emotions

okay...dont read this if you dont want me to depress you with my probs. i just need to vent.

right now i am supposed to be writing my english paper. i have no idea what to write and usually im VERY good in english and can BS stuff totally on the spot. i guess i work better under pressure.

my contact sheet and negatives for photo are due monday. i havent taken a single picture. whats worse is..i totally forgot how to use my camera its been so long! and i didnt learn much last year cuz my dad, so intent on TEACHING me, ended up just DOING my projects.

told Miki *Tiff's ex best friend and for good reason* some past photo projects i had done. she announced shes gonna steal my idea now. *sigh* me and my big yap.

depressed about hurting peoples feelings. im a bad person. sometimes i really hate myself. being mean is not in my nature, nor should it be. and when i fake it to make myself less vulnerable to hurtful things it ends up biting me in the ass. im not a bitch. its just not me.

trying to finish pardo's commission. its almost done i just need to do the spots...but i figure 'if i have time to draw i have time to do homework'. and i dont want to do homework, so i do nothing.

need to do jerry's commissions as well as michele's.
michele wants me to draw anthro balto and jenna. theres better balto artists out there than me. I SUCK!
and im sorry jerry for keeping you waiting. i should just say *ill do it when i do it* in the future when i take commissions and stop limiting myself cuz its very stressful.

i dont have time to finish inking my comics and ireally wanna show em to you guys. in fact, i should really start from the BEGINNING of my comic. then the whole story would make more sense.
being random about it might not work. just got home and i need more alone time...

i miss my grandpa. hes one of the only 2 family members who understood me. now its left to my cousin who lives in san jose. i dont wanna call him up and bother him...after all, he has another baby on the way. hes got his own things to bother with. gramps has been dead since Feb 12th so....happy early valentines day to me, guess hes out of the "possible confidant list"

i have so many ideas to draw but no time to draw them.

i have starfinders pic i made for her but one of the feet look weird and i wanna redo it before i finish inking it. but once again..if i have time to draw i have time to do commissions, and if i have time to do commissions i have time to do homework. and i dont wanna do homework so im just not gonna do anything.

i have to go buy more facepaints for a facepainting job saturday but its all the way downtown and i dont wanna go alone and tiff doesnt have the time to go with me.

i have a facepainting thing to do saturday and i hate kids. they always ask me "CAN YOU DRAW BLUES CLUES???? thats not blue! that looks like a BUNNY!"
and the famous "can you draw digimon and pokemon? I WANNA BE PIKACHU!!!"

i need a job. none of the places i applied to have called me so now im gonna have to go out and apply to MORE places. i think thats cowardly to not call me....a simple "no thanks" would be fine.

i wanna draw more angsty pics, cuz thats how im feelin right now. but if i do that my dad will see it *cuz SOMEHOW he found a link to my VCL gallery* and hell say "its unprofessional of you to draw these things, we want people to think youre a wholesome individual." fuck that...drawing is my public diary. and i have the right to be angsty. im a teenager and have very few years of it left.

Tavis keeps hurting himself and makin me worry about him. hes a klutz sometimes as am i *i run into things*...and together were just one big mess. he cut his arm fixing his car, and now he sliced his finger open with his utility knife at work. and then "called me to tell me he hurt himself" i appreciate the call but now i feel powerless. i hate it when he hurts himself cuz he doesnt take care of himself and ends up making it worse. when im not there to take care of him it sucks. *sigh*

on a good note, Melissa was pleased with my pics of Frisket. Didnt color them time, im sure you can understand why. but here they are regardless. at least she liked em. *sigh* means a lot..really it does. im feeling inadequate lately

and to risk getting more comments about "learning some new CG skills" i decided i may not color them. not now at least.
the reason i color things the way i do is cuz it puts quick color into them. if i wanted to do some AMAZING photoshop things, i would. but i dont have the time. im a busy wolf and am on the clock, whether it be school or art related. i dont have time for personal pleasures anymore. not now at least. perhaps after all these commissions ill take a well deserved break. maybe ill get involved in the real world

the whole furry thing is starting to make me feel bad. i dont like the drama that goes on. i dont go out and cause it. people talk to me. i dont talk about people. im not that way. in fact i hate it...and im tired of all the bitchiness thats involved "so and so said this about so and so and who what" "someone got mad at me cuz i stole their colors"
*sigh* i dont wanna be like that myself. i just want to be me. why cant i just relax, draw, and be a fur?

dont get me wrong, i LOVE being nice and meeting new people. but at what price?

*sigh* if anyone needs me ill be in my room..
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